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Friday, January 16, 2009

History 101

History 101 (Crash course)

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and
would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and
the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for
the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so
while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing,
fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known
as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of
cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white
wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting
evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than
their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Miller. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and
generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire
other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe
when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West
was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history

thanks Rex... This made me laugh


Jo Jo said...

Oh boy. That's about all I can say! Must be a guy thing.

Becky said...

I liked it....makes me laugh. I like the part where liberals eventually evolved into women and the rest became girlie men - HA! FUNNY!! This was a good read.

Jenny said...

I like learning. Just sometimes I don't thinks it's always good to share :)
Especially with teenage boys!
Thanks for the knowledge!