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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Texas Chili Cook-off

I needed a good laugh this week, the below funny was sent to me several weeks ago, but I just re-read it and I have tears running down my cheeks again from laughing so hard. Enjoy!!!

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no
hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as
relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas .

For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true
this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park . Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking
for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I would have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became judge 3.

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
This could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are
crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S =AMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN
Judge # 1 -- Excellent Firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded
me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting = sh*t-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally,
the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT .... just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - =LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm
burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me
to stop screaming.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin bet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm
worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand
behind me except that beer maid Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
need to wipe my butt with a snowcone.

CHILI # 7 = SUSAN'S SCREAMING =ENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **Take note that I am worried about
judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Forget it, I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Jacqueline M. PĂ©rez

Assistant Attorney General

North Carolina Department of Justice

c/o Patient Account Services

University of North Carolina Hospitals

211 Friday Center Drive, Suite G21

Chapel Hill , NC 27517

(919) 966-7150

(fax) (919) 966-5498

jmperez@unch.unc.edu

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5 comments:

Jenny said...

Hey, is that when you stopped being called Big Tom and adopted Chef Tom?

ChefTom said...

This was not a story about me, spicy is good in my world. I have never been called Big Tom, but in Culinary School I was called Fat Tom. It was an acronym for what allows food-born pathogens to grow.
Food
Acidity
Time
Temperature
Oxygen
Moisture

Now you have had your science lesson for today also.

Becky said...

Can't wait to read this to my husband. FUNNY! He'll get a good kick out of this. Thanks for making me laugh. :) Oh...and thanks for your card - it came today. What a great picture of your family. Mine still haven't been sent...tomorrow, I promise. :)

Schenewarks said...

I appreciate the science lesson today. We're home without school, just found a lesson to use. Got your card yesterday as well, great picture, thank you! Mine's on the way. I've lived in Texas, it's all true. You could serve up slop and no one would notice because they douse everything in hot sauce.

Jenny said...

Wow. Fattom. I'm going to share that with my kids! Useful (and funny!) Thanks for your support--we're doing MUCH better. Feeling civilized again.